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Oh, Sweet Honey Iced Tea
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Oh, Sweet Honey Iced Tea

Samstag, 26. Oktober 2013

Watch Me Shrink





This is not fun to write. 

Over the years, my weight has gone up. Way, way up. I diet. I exercise. But I have trouble sticking with it, and I almost always get to the point where I think, "why bother?" And then I give up. 

me (right) in high school 



young me with my husband and firstborn daughter


with my youngest child, five years after the photo above it


a year after the photo above this one

weight really going up now. This was three years ago. 


At this point, I officially hate having my photo taken. 


I especially hate my arms. 

I look at these photos, and I see the masked unhappiness on my face. 

Savannah vacation. I spent hours obsessing over "covering" outfits for the vacation. Cover my skin. My eyes. My feelings. 


I hate the camera. This was last year. 


another last year photo. I didn't want to attend this event because of my weight, fearing being the fattest girl in the room. 



I waited on the bench because I didn't feel up to climbing stairs in the heat. My weight keeps me from having fun. 


Things have happened to my mind since I've gained all this weight:

I make excuses to avoid social events. Headaches, don't feel good, whatever. I make excuses. 

Upon entering a room, I immediately scan it to see if I'm the fattest person in the room. If I find someone my size, I make eye contact and smile. I understand, I think to myself, willing them to hear me. 

I wear ugly clothes. Baggy. Ill-fitting. Uncomfortable clothes. The better to hide in. 

I hate eating in public. I feel all the eyes on me, judging me. Even if it's not actually happening. This is especially true at fast food places. 

I feel anxiety at the doctor's office. My numbers are all good. But my blood pressure goes up a lot in triage because they take it before they weigh me. 

I do not enjoy sex. 

The scale has, at times, meant too much for me. It could make or ruin a day in the blink of an eye. 

I joined Weight Watchers. I chose the earliest meeting possible. And I would weigh myself in several outfits to see which one made me weigh "less" before the meeting. Even if it was snowing, I'd wear light clothing. And I wouldn't eat or drink a thing before weigh-in at the meeting. Obsessed. 

Every time I give up, I gain even more weight. I was 135 when I met my husband. I'm more than a hundred pounds heavier now. 

Something has to change. 

Physical things happen to me, too:

My ankle hurts all the time. 

My feet hurt halfway through the day. 

I sweat easily. 

My bladder has weakened with the extra weight on it. 

I get heat rashes. 

And chafing. 

I retain water. 

Something has to change. 

I've considered hcg, bariatric surgery. I've joined clubs. I've tried every diet I know. 

Nothing works. 

I don't know how to lose weight properly anymore. But I have to keep trying. So, I'm reading stuff. I'm making "clean" meals. And I'm implementing small strategies. I want to kick obesity's ass. And I'm inviting you to watch my progress. Because I need all the help, all the cheerleaders, I can get. 

I'll post an update every Saturday. 

Kommentare:

  1. This breaks my heart, you are beautiful, always remember that! Have you been following Heather from At The Picket Fence weight loss? She might beable to give you some tips and advice...hang in there girl and thanks for stopping in my blog today. xo

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  2. You and I are in the EXACT same boat, sister. I've had the bariatric surgery and the weight still manages to creep back on. Finding a healthy relationship with food has been a major challenge for me. I'll be excited to see what you find that works for you, and I'll be cheering you on all the way!

    Kick some butt, mamacita!
    Chelle

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  3. Oh honey. Thanks for commenting on my blog today, cuz it brought me to yours. I could've written this post. I've almost written this post before, but hadn't found the nerve or the drive (yet). Maybe we can be blog buddies? Please email me if you'd like at TheConcreteCottage(at)gmail(dot)com
    This is the one area of my life that feels completely out of control, and it overshadows every other area! Somehow I feel like you'd understand that feeling.
    Hugs lady!
    ~ Jeannine

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