Where did my courage go?

Yesterday, I went to my very first Painting with Friends (aka Sips & Strokes). It was terrifying. I mean that. I sat in the back of the room, away from all the people, waiting for my friend to arrive. I was way, way outside of my comfort zone. 

I've never painted before, ever. Well, except for water color paint by numbers, and to quote Luna Lovegood, "how different are they, really?"

Very different, of course. 

To further add to my terror, the directions given by the instructor were vague at best. "Paint a curvy shadow in midnight blue in your upper right corner."

Now, I'm a literal girl. I want to know the dimensions of the freaking shadow. How far down? How do I make this midnight blue? Alas, Painting with Friends is meant to evoke a different painting of the same scene from twenty-five people in the same room. And it does. 

Somehow, through all the chaos, I managed to eke out a decent painting. I really love it:

I think it's pretty darn amazing that I painted that scene with no painting experience whatsoever. 

But last night, while I was there, I was genuinely afraid. Afraid of the new people. Afraid to mess up my painting. Afraid of not knowing the next step. In the end, it turned out great. At the end of class, I volunteered (got sucked into?) to go to Zumba class on Monday. Oh. My. God. Zumba. With people. People who look better than me. People who don't have two left feet. People who are, like, half my body weight. People who won't be covered in buckets of sweat. 

See how my mind works?

On the way home, I got to thinking. Where did my courage go? Why am I so afraid of everything now? My fear holds me back from doing so much. I wasn't always afraid. So where did it come from?

When did I turn from this:

image credit Disney

...to this?

image credit mgm

I'm not sure when it happened. But I'm over it. It's time for me to be brave again. I am not a coward. I'm not a wimp. But somewhere, along my journey, I lost my courage. I'm taking it back. 

I can even see my inner cowardly lion surfacing in my writing. I'm 2/3 done with my NaNoWriMo novel and I've had to stop myself from turning my main character into a wimp several times already. 

No more. 

I'm taking back my courage.